yea, life lessons.
My birthday is rapidly approaching. When I was a little kid I remember looking in the mirror and wondering what I would look like when I was older. Here it is. Here I am. I am older. I AM older. You know, you would think that the life lessons that keep piling up over the decades would make the new life lessons easier. This current feeling. I know I’ve been here before. The meantime. What do you do in the meantime? The time between the before (past) and almost like between your next “future” the next chapter. Inner work. Ah yes, inner work. At times it’s great, it moves us forward, it reflects on the past, we learn from our mistakes, or try to. I am currently rolling my eyes. Like I said, I know I’ve been here before… the meantime, I have worked through it before, I came out with a new perspective, a better attitude! But here it is AGAIN! Another meantime to get through and I find myself questioning it more, wondering how many times I’ll be encountering this “meantime”. This time I am finding it incredibly difficult to find peace in letting go. I at times find that hope can also lead to disappointment. At times peoples opinions can really come out of the woodwork. Its surprising and sometimes a difficult pill to swallow to really know, I mean really know what some people think. To sense the conclusions being jumped to, the judgement of a situation (er you) so quickly. And what is surprising is when its the people who are “closest” to you. The realization that no one really knows you that well. The realization of what actually IS. How communication is such a fucked up thing. How someone can say one thing but the other person hears another. Learning that not everyone can hand out second chances. Learning that even if you’ve changed people can hold onto who you once were. That people can hold onto something you said years ago and use that to define you as a person. Learning about blame. Learning to forgive yourself. Learning to let go of an idea of what you thought was a possible reality. It’s in the meantime.. watch the traffic go by. Where is everyone going? There really are a lot of fucking people.